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The ‘LOST’ Workout!

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Hey!  This is Tom Gibney, pitchman for the newest fat-burning workout on the market – The LOST Workout!  (Creators of ‘The Lost Workout’ tried to get the Sham-Wow guy but he was busy dicing up onions and stuff like that!) 

In honor of a TREMENDOUSLY encompassing television event that thoroughly examined the human condition for the past 6 years, I’m here today to tell you about the secret workout the castaways were rigorously put through to stay in peak physical condition on the show ‘LOST’! 

Haven’t you ever wondered how Sawyer stayed in such good shape on the island that the writers of the show just couldn’t keep a shirt on him?  But wait a minute, what about the reality television sensation, ‘Survivor’? Every person on Survivor ends up LOGICALLY loosing a lot of weight (including fat and sacrificing muscle) and end up looking about 20 years older from their diet of twigs, berries, and whatever they can catch from the Ocean/Jungle.  However, this did not hold true for the passengers of Oceanic Flight 815! So how did Sawyer do it? 

Sawyer and the rest of the Losties ordered the 15 VHS set of heart-pounding workouts (which they played on the VCRs in the Dharma stations.)  These workouts are GUARANTEED to work because they are instructed by Dr. Pierre Chang...and he’s a Doctor!! 

What do you say folks? How about a sneak peak at a few exciting exercises you’ll be doing to stay in shape if an electromagnetic burst of energy makes you’re plane crash land on a mysterious island like the one in the show ‘LOST!’ 

[Pause for audience applause]

[Cue exciting adventure music proceeded by 5 second clips of the following exercises]

·        Running away from Polar Bears

·        Writing ‘HELP’ real big in the sand every morning

·        Dodging bullets shot at you by the Others

·        Challenging the smoke monster to a race

·        Swimming back and forth from neighboring islands

·        Working on your MMA Ground and Pound techniques by punching Benjamin Linus in the face like everyone else on the island does

·        Playing Sand Volleyball

·        Shrugging off the evil whispers of those condemned to spending an eternity on the island

·        Building sand castles

·        Doing pull-ups on the bars of the Polar Bear cages on Hydra Island

·        Doing Strongest Man competitions by lifting, pulling, and throwing pieces of the wreckage!

·        Spinning the underground wheel now and again to move the island

·        Time traveling – a great way to burn extra calories (and get a bloody nose!)

·        Doing push-ups anywhere.  Start with doing 6 sets and shoot for the following number of reps:  4, 8, 15, 16, 23, & 42

·        Seeing how many laps around the hatch you can do while still managing to push the button every 108 minutes

·        Diving away from dropped sticks of Black Rock dynamite by Ilana and dodging pieces of those not fast enough to get away (Artz)

·        Playing in the inaugural Flight 815 Invitational Golf Tournament on the scenic Hawaiian course where the greens are in worse shape than most roughs!

·        Combing Sawyer’s hair...108 strokes per side (a surprising shoulder workout!)

·        And don’t drink the dharma beer...it’s gotta be SKUNKED!

Your Inspiration: 

Trying to stay as youthful at Richard Alpert and impressing Kate – Hubba Hubba!!

[Fade to black and pause for audience applause]

Wow!  Simply amazing!!  And I have an exclusive offer to tell you about right now.  If you order TODAY, we will throw in a FREE Smoke Monster plush toy that we will almost guarantee will NOT kill your children! So what are you waiting for?  You can’t workout when you’re DEAD...or can you???? Huh!

ORDER NOW!!!!

Disclaimer #1:  ABC and the creators of LOST have not officially endorsed this workout...yet!

Disclaimer #2:  Let me address the elephant in the room. Yes.  Hugo Reyes did not lose an ounce on the island over the course of the 6 years when he could certainly stand to lose about 100 pounds. Hurley/Hugo did NOT participate in The LOST Workout.  This was an executive decision by the writers of the show as they said the secret to a successful show was all about having a lovable fat guy.  Hugo actually talked to Jacob and dead people while the rest of the actors worked out.  Hugo was just casted to a contestant on the next season of The Biggest Loser! 

NAMASTE!

[Ed. Note – Claims of the ‘Lost’ Workout has not been verified by the FDA and should used as part of a healthy lifestyle. The DSI blog cannot be held accountable for actions related to unauthorized time travel.]